I used to think that Amber and I would never make peace after making the difficult decision to divorce. The days and nights hung heavy on my feet, like thick mud, as we walked towards the one year mark. Now here we are, one year later, and things have changed in major ways. Amber and I have become friends now, somehow finding a mutual respect for each other. I don't know exactly what caused the change but I am so very thankful for its arrival. I honestly believe that she finally got over hating me so much, perhaps remembering that I was someone that she loved at one time, also the father of our son. I don't spend a lot of time looking for the reasons why, instead I cherish the days we spend without a fight. I wish I could say the same thing for Hilary.
Hilary and her ex husband are on the other side of a divorce, as theirs has been finalized for close to 8 months. The difference is that they are just now diving into the deep abyss of co-parenting their two children. If there is anything I've learned in the last year, its that co-parenting takes alot of patience, pride-swallowing, and communication. Its very much like a marriage. It can be smooth and easy or turbulent and scary. Theirs is like the ocean during a hurricane. Its really hard to watch them interact after going through the same situation for the larger part of the last year. I finally know how Hilary felt all of those times that she hurt when I hurt, when she extended comforting words and support, while I stumbled into and out of many brawls with my ex-wife. I'm currently trying to do the same but its hard to watch a man disrespect the woman you love. I can honestly see why Hilary has such a hard time with Amber. She is angry from hearing every harsh and hurtful comment that Amber laid upon me. I still tell her that she has to let it go, but its hard for her to. In the same token, its hard for me to look past the situations when "the ex" treats Hilary poorly and when he has his priorities mixed up. I suppose that's what happens when I spend so much time with her children, I get attached and I want the best for them. In this case the best thing for them is a father who is attentive, one that never sees the children as an inconvenience, and one that treats his ex-wife with respect for their little eyes to see. I could go on and on about this, but Hilary and I have already done that on far more than one occasion. We try to spend the majority of our time not talking about it, an attempt to stay positive. Afterall, we can only control what we do and how much we make the children feel special. Why is it sometimes so hard for adults to stop acting like children themselves, and instead put their actual kids first?
So yes, three's a crowd when it comes to failed marriages and new relationships. I wish it could be different. I wish I knew that when it comes to kids, that it is understood that everyone genuinely means well in the triad of mom, dad, and "step-parent." We all have our roles and the kids need all three of us, working together like a well oiled machine. There is no threat to the actual parents if they simply do their jobs. Otherwise, the step parent, if he/she is a worthy person must step up and fill one of the roles. Its a balance that is hard to achieve but one that is extremely worth working on. Maybe it takes time. Perhaps its no more than a work in progress. Either way, I try to remember that Hilary's ex is a part of her kids and to respect him for that, while never letting them hear anything negative come out of my mouth. My other job is to show them that their mother should be respected herself, and loved, because that is the measure of a man.
