Today I feel as if I'm soaking wet, being completely twisted and rung out by my ex wife. Maybe this is a normal feeling for a man with a separation agreement, perhaps I fucked up when it came to agreeing to the terms of mine. See, Amber is a self employed stylist, a leap of faith we took during our marriage. At the time, we agreed that working for one's self is a much better way to go than working for someone else. This is true, but as I've discovered over the last year, you have to have a lot of steady clientele to afford the cost of products and weekly booth rental. So from the beginning of this venture, I paid all of the rent for our house and the majority of the bills while Amber concentrated on paying Fox's daycare and acquiring new clients. Let me clarify, she is very good at hair and exceptional at making people feel special and pampered. But, the money wasn't close to what I make, an amount which we had hoped to far surpass. We knew it would take a while to build, but unfortunately we didn't factor in the separation. So yeah, I'm writing this in an attempt to reason with myself that when I agreed to pay for all the rent and half the bills after we separated, that I wasn't a complete idiot. This is the part where you all laugh. Let me just tell you my thinking behind this first though.
I knew that Amber wouldn't be able to afford the house rent at the moment we split, so I had no problem endorsing these terms in our official agreement. Hell, at that point I was already used to paying everything and on the other hand, I was living with my mom so I really didn't have any bills. Also, the one caveat to the deal was that Amber would do the best she could to make enough and find her own place so that I could move back into the house and out of my mom's. It was kind of an "I'll help you until you get on your feet" type of deal, so I thought. Mostly though, I didn't want Fox to be uprooted from his home, the one he came home from the hospital to, the one where he learned to crawl and to eventually walk, and the one where his bedroom lived. I wanted him to know nothing of what was going on with the big people. I'm sure you can understand that but you know where this is going don't you?
If you read my previous blog about divorce then you know that Amber and I also included into our agreement the clause about dating other people. You also know that I met her new man already and that I liked him. What you don't know, and neither did I when I agreed to all of this, is that he would end up basically living with Amber in the house I pay rent for, and on top of that have his own damn clothes drawer. Yes, that completely means that she never found a place of her own. Who would when you live where rent is free right? So am I an idiot? I say YES and NO. Yes, I am an idiot because I didn't see this coming, and no, because Fox has a place to live that is not a cardboard box or much worse at Amber's boyfriend's house. The latter part of that makes me feel better for sure.
In closing, I would love to have more money and I would especially love to have a place of my own, but those things will come in time (6 months to be exact). Right now I know that one day I can look Fox in the eye and tell him that his father did the best he could for his family, even when it was torn apart. I hope he will look back at me and thank me for showing him how to be a real man. Yeah, I like the sound of that.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
A Little's Enough
Everyone on this earth is afraid of something. Whether it be the dark, spiders, or heights, everyone has a fear that they cannot control, one rooted deeply in their subconscious. These fears usually have an origin to them, even if the person cannot remember the exact reason for which they are scared. I've always wondered what my greatest fear is, since I have many things in this world that frighten me. Although I can't seem to pinpoint my grandest fear, I can identify one that has me on edge a lot as of lately. It is the fear of love.
Love is something that most people will fall head over heels into and most of these people more than once. It is something that binds us all together as humans as well as something that has the power to tear us all apart. As the old adage goes, "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Tell that to someone who is going through a breakup or divorce. Love is the greatest driving force in the universe and because of that it can be the most terrifying. My marriage taught me that love is something I definitely wanted to be in but at times an act I wasn't great at. Regardless of how much I tried in our marriage, I not only failed in saving it, I also ended up taking most of the blame for its ultimate downfall. This hurt me so deeply that the scars are visible. I spent a long time being told that I wasn't good enough and that all I did was hurt the ones I love, and I started to believe it. My ex built a wall so high and so thick that I decomposed outside of it waiting on a way to get over or through. I am by no means a perfect person, no one is, but I was expected to be and in that I failed miserably. Still, deep in my soul I tell myself that I didn't fail because I didn't know how to love.
Since I met Hilary I've been experiencing very raw and very uncontrollable emotions and I am scared to death. I told her that my fears were possibly because I needed to learn to love again. I don't think that is true at all. I think loving is innate, it is something that we are born to do. Only people that have been damaged, which we all have in our own ways, know how costly love is, and all others ache for it. Even those of us who have fallen victim to losing it, want nothing more than to experience it again. Love is powerful. I was damaged, Hilary was damaged and we have just recently begun the process of putting the pieces back together. But there is something driving us towards each other and it is definitely out of our hands. Whether it be a relationship or just simply one intense friendship, the commonality between us is the emotion of love. I said before that it wasn't because I need to learn to love again. My hangup with love is not letting it in or accepting it. Love is something that we build a wall in the face of, to keep it out, therefore keeping ourselves safe or someone else protected. It is such a scary emotion that we are terrified of falling into it because we are afraid it will drown us with its depth. What I'm trying to realize is that the opportunity of love is so amazing and so life-changing that it should never be squandered nor ignored. It should be embraced without fear of repercussion or non-return. So here is the ledge I am standing on and I want to take the chance, all I have to do is jump. The cure is to let in just a little more love, I promise you this, a little's enough.
Love is something that most people will fall head over heels into and most of these people more than once. It is something that binds us all together as humans as well as something that has the power to tear us all apart. As the old adage goes, "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Tell that to someone who is going through a breakup or divorce. Love is the greatest driving force in the universe and because of that it can be the most terrifying. My marriage taught me that love is something I definitely wanted to be in but at times an act I wasn't great at. Regardless of how much I tried in our marriage, I not only failed in saving it, I also ended up taking most of the blame for its ultimate downfall. This hurt me so deeply that the scars are visible. I spent a long time being told that I wasn't good enough and that all I did was hurt the ones I love, and I started to believe it. My ex built a wall so high and so thick that I decomposed outside of it waiting on a way to get over or through. I am by no means a perfect person, no one is, but I was expected to be and in that I failed miserably. Still, deep in my soul I tell myself that I didn't fail because I didn't know how to love.
Since I met Hilary I've been experiencing very raw and very uncontrollable emotions and I am scared to death. I told her that my fears were possibly because I needed to learn to love again. I don't think that is true at all. I think loving is innate, it is something that we are born to do. Only people that have been damaged, which we all have in our own ways, know how costly love is, and all others ache for it. Even those of us who have fallen victim to losing it, want nothing more than to experience it again. Love is powerful. I was damaged, Hilary was damaged and we have just recently begun the process of putting the pieces back together. But there is something driving us towards each other and it is definitely out of our hands. Whether it be a relationship or just simply one intense friendship, the commonality between us is the emotion of love. I said before that it wasn't because I need to learn to love again. My hangup with love is not letting it in or accepting it. Love is something that we build a wall in the face of, to keep it out, therefore keeping ourselves safe or someone else protected. It is such a scary emotion that we are terrified of falling into it because we are afraid it will drown us with its depth. What I'm trying to realize is that the opportunity of love is so amazing and so life-changing that it should never be squandered nor ignored. It should be embraced without fear of repercussion or non-return. So here is the ledge I am standing on and I want to take the chance, all I have to do is jump. The cure is to let in just a little more love, I promise you this, a little's enough.
Friday, September 13, 2013
TGIF
Thank God its Friday!! This has seemed like an extremely long week as many of them do, but this one especially. Maybe its because work has been extra monotonous, or perhaps because I haven't seen Hilary in 3 days because of a different schedule keeping Fox and her busy work and school week. Actually that's a lie because I saw her for lunch yesterday. Isn't it funny how we forget these things so quickly and turn into a flower in the midst of a heavy drought, thirsty for what keeps us alive? Hilary's company has been keeping me alive lately. I haven't had any moments in a few weeks where I found myself back-sliding into complete sadness over my impending divorce. Even though Amber told me today that when I pick Fox up on Sunday that her boyfriend will be there as a result of an overnight Saturday visit, my mood cannot be dampened. I finally have something and someone else to keep my busy mind occupied and I feel my shriveled heart re-inflating each day that passes. I don't mean to sound glib because Fox is my inspiration for life, but his face sometimes reminded me of Amber and as bad as it sounds, that was often times painful. He is truly the sweetest child I know and he has a great knack of knowing exactly when Daddy's soul needs a lift, offering his arms to me and laying his head on my shoulder when I pick him up. He's started to say "hey Dada" with which he pats me on the back. That is the most wonderful feeling I have had in my 36 years. But I sometimes selfishly feel like I don't see him all that much (which is sad because Hilary and many other people don't have the joy of seeing their children nearly as often), and come to miss him really bad on those off nights. Maybe this is what its supposed to feel like when a family is split, like its never enough that you see them, combined with the dread of being replaced in their life. I tell myself every day that I will always keep my foot securely planted in the door of his life. This thought keeps me going.
I am excited to get off of work today, especially because Hilary and I are going to make up for not seeing each other for basically three days by spending three days in a row together. We had planned to go to our favorite dive, Fitzpatrick's, tonight for some Bud Lights and darts, our new favorite thing. But unfortunately, she woke up this morning with pink eye in both eyes. When she messaged me this morning claiming to have bad news, my heart sunk, and I was certain she was going to tell me something had come up and that she wasn't going to make it. Selfishly again, the pink eye was a relief of sorts. She had a weird time at the doctor like we all do but seems to be handling it well. Since I know she isn't up for a night out I decided to bring the darts to her. We planned on buying a dart board for her apartment so we can play there anytime we want, a brilliant idea for two single people with very little money. She even offered to cook dinner for me which is definitely one of the ways to my heart, as I value the art of cooking. Plus, Amber could not cook at all so any night that a woman prepares me dinner is a real treat.
Tomorrow's plans consist of going to Carolina Ale House, the bar we attended on our first "date", for some beer and football. You probably don't know this about me but college football is one reason for my existence. I love the game and I love the Florida State Seminoles. I was so happy when she agreed to go with me, as its hard these days to find friends to watch football with since they are all busily married with children. Hilary has apparently committed herself to liking football this year, which was not per my request but indeed a nice bonus, and I have agreed to patiently teach her more about the game. I am excited!!
I am excited to get off of work today, especially because Hilary and I are going to make up for not seeing each other for basically three days by spending three days in a row together. We had planned to go to our favorite dive, Fitzpatrick's, tonight for some Bud Lights and darts, our new favorite thing. But unfortunately, she woke up this morning with pink eye in both eyes. When she messaged me this morning claiming to have bad news, my heart sunk, and I was certain she was going to tell me something had come up and that she wasn't going to make it. Selfishly again, the pink eye was a relief of sorts. She had a weird time at the doctor like we all do but seems to be handling it well. Since I know she isn't up for a night out I decided to bring the darts to her. We planned on buying a dart board for her apartment so we can play there anytime we want, a brilliant idea for two single people with very little money. She even offered to cook dinner for me which is definitely one of the ways to my heart, as I value the art of cooking. Plus, Amber could not cook at all so any night that a woman prepares me dinner is a real treat.
Tomorrow's plans consist of going to Carolina Ale House, the bar we attended on our first "date", for some beer and football. You probably don't know this about me but college football is one reason for my existence. I love the game and I love the Florida State Seminoles. I was so happy when she agreed to go with me, as its hard these days to find friends to watch football with since they are all busily married with children. Hilary has apparently committed herself to liking football this year, which was not per my request but indeed a nice bonus, and I have agreed to patiently teach her more about the game. I am excited!!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Things happen for a reason
I have never been privy to online dating. Since I was with the same person for 10 years, it was a bit of a transition from domesticated husband to single dad looking for someone to date. Even the word "date" seemed weird to me at first. I met Amber at a bar in downtown Greenville so we really never had a traditional first date, unless you count screaming questions at each other over deafening music or exchanging timid glances through the smoky haze of cigarettes. I guess you could say I was new to this world and I had no idea where to start. At 36 years old it was hard for me to stay up late enough to hit the bar scene at the appropriate time to meet single ladies so my options were limited. Plus, I wasn't so sure that I wanted to meet my next companion at a bar anyway since they mostly seemed like last resort meat markets for the desperate. So this led me to the world of online dating. As I'm sure some of you know, Internet dating sites are expensive. The way I figured it, how in the world would a person even be able to take a girl out after having their bank account drained by a dating site? Thankfully, there are free options for those of us with limited money and lots of patience. I say patience because I quickly found out that women on these free sites have become wary of most men due to the number of creeps that habitually send pictures of their manhood and ask for sex. Its hard to convince women that you aren't a bad guy when so many that preceded me made all men look like sex crazed animals. Long story short, I sent a lot of messages before I got my first response. The funniest thing is that after you reel them in, you have to be an interesting guy to hold their attention and I was a little rusty at that that in the beginning. I'm not saying that I am devoid of charm, I had just forgotten how to be charming. Its strange, I've never thought about that statement until it just left my fingers. In a way its a testament to how badly a failing marriage can suck the essence of self from a person. Its kind of a paradox though if you catch my drift. At any rate, once you've made a connection with a person and you've managed to hold their attention, you can work towards the idea of meeting in real life. I'm a relatively shy person so the thought scared me, mainly because I was going through a post-separation increase in my fear of being rejected. So I will admit, I spoke with plenty of girls before I mustered up the courage to commit myself to a meeting.
The first girl I met up with was in fact the last one I met on that site. Ironically enough, we met at a bar for a few drinks and some conversation and ended up staying for 3 hours. It was nice to talk to someone who seemed genuinely interested in the messy array of chatter that hastily poured from my ADD brain and out through my lips, someone who wasn't annoyed by it. She was someone who wanted to know more, someone I wanted to know more. It turned out she was also in the midst of a separation, was a month from divorce, and had 2 kids. Things happen for a reason she said. I had a hard time believing that the first time I heard it, considering the recent down slide my life had taken, but she said it when I needed to hear it. I was going through a lot of pain and rejection and here was this steady rock perched strongly amidst my turbulent sea. She knew all of the right things to say and all of the perfect times to say them. So maybe things do happen for a reason, although I did not think of her as more than a friend at the conclusion of our first "date". I believe mainly I was just protecting myself from my uncontrollable tendency to become quickly attached and involved with people whom I have recently met. But this woman was intelligent, funny, witty, and caring. Those qualities make the best friends and best friends make the best companions, so I figured it was a win/win deal for me. We continued to hang out and I felt my protective guard slip more and more each time we did so. One day while we were talking, she mentioned having to tell me the truth about something. Her truth was that there was another guy she had been talking to for 10 months and they had developed potential feelings for each other. He was away in the AF so he lived several states away but they planned on meeting very soon to see if they wanted to enter a long distance relationship. Anyway, she didn't think it was fair to hide that from me and wanted our friendship to be based on honesty, which I greatly admire. Until then I really hadn't known what I wanted out of our moments together but the knowledge of another guy stung enough to make it more clear. She said she still wanted to be friends and I agreed because I cared so much for her. Things happen for a reason I told myself.
So we continued to hang out as friends and had lots of fun together during the next few weeks. But as my feelings inside continued to grow, I knew in the back of my mind that she belonged to someone else. I really don't know if it was for my benefit or for hers, but during one conversation on her patio, she told me that even if it weren't for the other guy she wouldn't date me anyway because I wasn't over my ex. She was right and i knew it. It had become time for me to drop back and punt. As crazy as this sounds, one day I just woke up and didn't hurt at all over my separation or my ex wife. Maybe I became numb or maybe my grieving stage was over. Either way I could see things clearly and wanted to tell my best friend that but I became hesitant knowing that she wouldn't believe it. I cared about her and I didn't want to do anything to get in the way of her possible relationship with someone else or seem like I wanted her to choose. That's a really difficult thing to do when you have feelings for someone, to set them free. Its the ultimate sacrifice. But it wasn't just hard on me, it was really hard on her too. Its painful and confusing to know that someone has feelings for you and feel like you are hurting them and leading them on. I told her so many times that I just wanted to be friends regardless of what happened and that I would be her friend no matter what but I know she didn't believe it. To be quite honest, neither did I. But things happen for a reason, don't they?
Over the days leading up to their long-awaited meeting, I played the part of the best friend and tried with all I had to help her, as well as myself, to prepare. She was nervous and I was struggling with strange emotions. I didn't want to lose her and I knew that if things worked out with the other guy that I would be knocked down but that I would have to pick myself up and carry on. I had promised her that much and I intended on keeping that promise. We had become too close for me to back away and I admit that I was selfish inside, although I didn't let it show. When the day rolled around and her suitor came to town, I tried to find things to do and people to hang out with to keep myself busy, but more importantly keep myself from texting her constantly. My brain was racing for days with thoughts of how it was going between them and to make it worse I was getting next to nothing from her end. I received a few occasional messages about the spark that they had or about the fun things they were doing which only felt like salt on a fresh wound. I kept telling myself that we were just friends and that I was happy for her but the effort was only half-hearted. I had a moment of weakness one evening when I was drunk and I started to ask too many questions and say too many things. Feelings that had been forced down deeply inside of me began to surface and although she won't ever say it, I'm sure I embarrassed myself. He ended up staying an extra night and I asked no more questions. Anyway, the 3 days passed and then it was time for her ex husband to come into town to finalize the divorce. I was going to have to wait a few more days before I could see her again. I was so lonely and so tempted to throw in the towel but she needed me. She was sad about her divorce and my job as always was to be a good friend and extend a shoulder. At that moment, I wasn't so sure that things happen for a reason at all.
I was going through some tough times of my own already regarding Labor Day. Amber and her new boyfriend had made plans for the day with Fox included. It was really tough for me to deal with, being the first holiday we were spending as a defunkt family. The truth was that I missed being a part of a family, being able to hang out with Fox and Amber together. It was a new chapter in my life and I was struggling with it. To make matters worse, I had feelings for a girl who had feelings for another guy. Talk about a bad month. Anyway, after the guy left, she(my friend) invited me to a cookout at her sisters and the next day to a birthday party for her daughter. I almost turned her down because I wasn't sure how it went over the weekend or how I was supposed to even act around her. I remembered my promise though and figured it was as good a time as any to show her I could still be a friend. I was really nervous about meeting her family because like I said, Im a shy person. Luckily, since I was "just a friend," I realized that I shouldn't feel as under the microscope as I would as a boyfriend. So everything went well and we had a good time but I could tell she didn't know how to act around me either. I felt like everything had been compromised and that I was going to lose it all. Sometimes there are no reasons for why things happen.
I was feeling pretty beaten in this battle when I was lifted up by the news from her friends and family that they were all cheering me on as the next guy in her life. I laughed it off nervously but inside I felt a sense of victory. To be honest the whole competition thing terrified me and I was dead set on downplaying that anytime I was around her. After all, what if she made the wrong choice and regretted being with me, wondering what might have been with another guy? I already felt a sense of failure stemming from my marriage so the pressure of pushing her into a wrong decision was a lot for me to bear. I remember one night outright telling her to chose him and I have no idea why. I'm not sure if I was trying to ease her mind, ease my mind, or simply dissipate some of the fear that I had about being in another relationship and messing it up again. Maybe I just figured that was the easiest way to take care of all three. Either way I told her that and I wish I could have somehow peered into her head at that very moment, just to get the slightest insight into how she felt hearing that. I'm sure she was thinking that things happen for a reason.
After the divorce was over and her ex husband on his way back to Louisiana, we made plans to go to our favorite dive bar for some drinks. I remember wanting to just grab her and pull her in, never letting go and begging her to drop that other guy. I remained silent and acted as cool as a cucumber. Somehow we got on the subject of her weekend with him and she actually admitted to missing me while they were together. A ray of hope beamed from inside my chest. She went on to mention several things that he had said in passing that stuck in her craw. She claimed that it was nothing but I pushed her to know, feeling that it was important enough to pull out of her. The things I heard made me angry at the guy. I tried so hard not to badmouth him but I found myself saying "what an asshole." For a moment time stopped. The cogs in her head were turning as she went over and over the things he had said trying to rationalize how they shouldn't hurt her and possibly how he wasn't an asshole. After a few seconds she looked at me and asked if what he had said was weird and something that should bother her. Here I sat, watching this guy's destiny unfold before my eyes as he wrote himself out of this story. I acted selfishly and told her yes, that I would have never said anything like that to hurt her feelings. I told her he was blowing it and that she was okay to feel bothered if the comments hurt. I braced myself for the moment that I was sure to come, when she blew it off and said something like "nah, he's really a sweet guy and that's not what he meant by it." Instead she mentioned that she would like to run it by her sister and see what her reaction was. I was immediately excited because first I knew that her sister would take immediate offense to the comments and second that I had her all but in my corner. I had selfish thoughts I tell you but I was starting to believe that things happen for a reason.
After getting the same reaction from both her sister and mother, she started to believe that this guy was an asshole as I had called him. This now brings us to the present. Hilary and I have gotten a lot closer through all of this like we managed to fight through a war together and come out on the other side alive and well. I have never known someone that I was so drawn to, that I was willing to sacrifice any and all romantic feelings for, just to remain a part of her life. I have never told someone to pick another guy over me and I sure as hell have never bottled up so many feelings in my throat. Its been the best roller coaster that I have ever ridden and I don't know how I got the pleasure of winning a ticket but I a am genuinely thankful that it somehow fell into my lap. I find myself so pleasantly terrified around her that most times I'm sure that she can see my heart beating rapidly through my shirt. I honestly don't know if I am scared because of the unexplainable feelings that I have, because of the fact that I haven't known her that long, or perhaps just the uneasiness of coming out of a 10 year relationship and all of the rejection and self doubt that comes with it. No matter what the source of the fear, I can't seem to turn around and walk away. I am magnetically pulled to her, and its such an exciting feeling. I am truly sure now that things really do happen for a reason.
The first girl I met up with was in fact the last one I met on that site. Ironically enough, we met at a bar for a few drinks and some conversation and ended up staying for 3 hours. It was nice to talk to someone who seemed genuinely interested in the messy array of chatter that hastily poured from my ADD brain and out through my lips, someone who wasn't annoyed by it. She was someone who wanted to know more, someone I wanted to know more. It turned out she was also in the midst of a separation, was a month from divorce, and had 2 kids. Things happen for a reason she said. I had a hard time believing that the first time I heard it, considering the recent down slide my life had taken, but she said it when I needed to hear it. I was going through a lot of pain and rejection and here was this steady rock perched strongly amidst my turbulent sea. She knew all of the right things to say and all of the perfect times to say them. So maybe things do happen for a reason, although I did not think of her as more than a friend at the conclusion of our first "date". I believe mainly I was just protecting myself from my uncontrollable tendency to become quickly attached and involved with people whom I have recently met. But this woman was intelligent, funny, witty, and caring. Those qualities make the best friends and best friends make the best companions, so I figured it was a win/win deal for me. We continued to hang out and I felt my protective guard slip more and more each time we did so. One day while we were talking, she mentioned having to tell me the truth about something. Her truth was that there was another guy she had been talking to for 10 months and they had developed potential feelings for each other. He was away in the AF so he lived several states away but they planned on meeting very soon to see if they wanted to enter a long distance relationship. Anyway, she didn't think it was fair to hide that from me and wanted our friendship to be based on honesty, which I greatly admire. Until then I really hadn't known what I wanted out of our moments together but the knowledge of another guy stung enough to make it more clear. She said she still wanted to be friends and I agreed because I cared so much for her. Things happen for a reason I told myself.
So we continued to hang out as friends and had lots of fun together during the next few weeks. But as my feelings inside continued to grow, I knew in the back of my mind that she belonged to someone else. I really don't know if it was for my benefit or for hers, but during one conversation on her patio, she told me that even if it weren't for the other guy she wouldn't date me anyway because I wasn't over my ex. She was right and i knew it. It had become time for me to drop back and punt. As crazy as this sounds, one day I just woke up and didn't hurt at all over my separation or my ex wife. Maybe I became numb or maybe my grieving stage was over. Either way I could see things clearly and wanted to tell my best friend that but I became hesitant knowing that she wouldn't believe it. I cared about her and I didn't want to do anything to get in the way of her possible relationship with someone else or seem like I wanted her to choose. That's a really difficult thing to do when you have feelings for someone, to set them free. Its the ultimate sacrifice. But it wasn't just hard on me, it was really hard on her too. Its painful and confusing to know that someone has feelings for you and feel like you are hurting them and leading them on. I told her so many times that I just wanted to be friends regardless of what happened and that I would be her friend no matter what but I know she didn't believe it. To be quite honest, neither did I. But things happen for a reason, don't they?
Over the days leading up to their long-awaited meeting, I played the part of the best friend and tried with all I had to help her, as well as myself, to prepare. She was nervous and I was struggling with strange emotions. I didn't want to lose her and I knew that if things worked out with the other guy that I would be knocked down but that I would have to pick myself up and carry on. I had promised her that much and I intended on keeping that promise. We had become too close for me to back away and I admit that I was selfish inside, although I didn't let it show. When the day rolled around and her suitor came to town, I tried to find things to do and people to hang out with to keep myself busy, but more importantly keep myself from texting her constantly. My brain was racing for days with thoughts of how it was going between them and to make it worse I was getting next to nothing from her end. I received a few occasional messages about the spark that they had or about the fun things they were doing which only felt like salt on a fresh wound. I kept telling myself that we were just friends and that I was happy for her but the effort was only half-hearted. I had a moment of weakness one evening when I was drunk and I started to ask too many questions and say too many things. Feelings that had been forced down deeply inside of me began to surface and although she won't ever say it, I'm sure I embarrassed myself. He ended up staying an extra night and I asked no more questions. Anyway, the 3 days passed and then it was time for her ex husband to come into town to finalize the divorce. I was going to have to wait a few more days before I could see her again. I was so lonely and so tempted to throw in the towel but she needed me. She was sad about her divorce and my job as always was to be a good friend and extend a shoulder. At that moment, I wasn't so sure that things happen for a reason at all.
I was going through some tough times of my own already regarding Labor Day. Amber and her new boyfriend had made plans for the day with Fox included. It was really tough for me to deal with, being the first holiday we were spending as a defunkt family. The truth was that I missed being a part of a family, being able to hang out with Fox and Amber together. It was a new chapter in my life and I was struggling with it. To make matters worse, I had feelings for a girl who had feelings for another guy. Talk about a bad month. Anyway, after the guy left, she(my friend) invited me to a cookout at her sisters and the next day to a birthday party for her daughter. I almost turned her down because I wasn't sure how it went over the weekend or how I was supposed to even act around her. I remembered my promise though and figured it was as good a time as any to show her I could still be a friend. I was really nervous about meeting her family because like I said, Im a shy person. Luckily, since I was "just a friend," I realized that I shouldn't feel as under the microscope as I would as a boyfriend. So everything went well and we had a good time but I could tell she didn't know how to act around me either. I felt like everything had been compromised and that I was going to lose it all. Sometimes there are no reasons for why things happen.
I was feeling pretty beaten in this battle when I was lifted up by the news from her friends and family that they were all cheering me on as the next guy in her life. I laughed it off nervously but inside I felt a sense of victory. To be honest the whole competition thing terrified me and I was dead set on downplaying that anytime I was around her. After all, what if she made the wrong choice and regretted being with me, wondering what might have been with another guy? I already felt a sense of failure stemming from my marriage so the pressure of pushing her into a wrong decision was a lot for me to bear. I remember one night outright telling her to chose him and I have no idea why. I'm not sure if I was trying to ease her mind, ease my mind, or simply dissipate some of the fear that I had about being in another relationship and messing it up again. Maybe I just figured that was the easiest way to take care of all three. Either way I told her that and I wish I could have somehow peered into her head at that very moment, just to get the slightest insight into how she felt hearing that. I'm sure she was thinking that things happen for a reason.
After the divorce was over and her ex husband on his way back to Louisiana, we made plans to go to our favorite dive bar for some drinks. I remember wanting to just grab her and pull her in, never letting go and begging her to drop that other guy. I remained silent and acted as cool as a cucumber. Somehow we got on the subject of her weekend with him and she actually admitted to missing me while they were together. A ray of hope beamed from inside my chest. She went on to mention several things that he had said in passing that stuck in her craw. She claimed that it was nothing but I pushed her to know, feeling that it was important enough to pull out of her. The things I heard made me angry at the guy. I tried so hard not to badmouth him but I found myself saying "what an asshole." For a moment time stopped. The cogs in her head were turning as she went over and over the things he had said trying to rationalize how they shouldn't hurt her and possibly how he wasn't an asshole. After a few seconds she looked at me and asked if what he had said was weird and something that should bother her. Here I sat, watching this guy's destiny unfold before my eyes as he wrote himself out of this story. I acted selfishly and told her yes, that I would have never said anything like that to hurt her feelings. I told her he was blowing it and that she was okay to feel bothered if the comments hurt. I braced myself for the moment that I was sure to come, when she blew it off and said something like "nah, he's really a sweet guy and that's not what he meant by it." Instead she mentioned that she would like to run it by her sister and see what her reaction was. I was immediately excited because first I knew that her sister would take immediate offense to the comments and second that I had her all but in my corner. I had selfish thoughts I tell you but I was starting to believe that things happen for a reason.
After getting the same reaction from both her sister and mother, she started to believe that this guy was an asshole as I had called him. This now brings us to the present. Hilary and I have gotten a lot closer through all of this like we managed to fight through a war together and come out on the other side alive and well. I have never known someone that I was so drawn to, that I was willing to sacrifice any and all romantic feelings for, just to remain a part of her life. I have never told someone to pick another guy over me and I sure as hell have never bottled up so many feelings in my throat. Its been the best roller coaster that I have ever ridden and I don't know how I got the pleasure of winning a ticket but I a am genuinely thankful that it somehow fell into my lap. I find myself so pleasantly terrified around her that most times I'm sure that she can see my heart beating rapidly through my shirt. I honestly don't know if I am scared because of the unexplainable feelings that I have, because of the fact that I haven't known her that long, or perhaps just the uneasiness of coming out of a 10 year relationship and all of the rejection and self doubt that comes with it. No matter what the source of the fear, I can't seem to turn around and walk away. I am magnetically pulled to her, and its such an exciting feeling. I am truly sure now that things really do happen for a reason.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Fox
Since I have touched on my divorce I feel like I should talk about the best thing that came out of my 6 year marriage, my son Fox Rocket. Yes, that's his name and no, his mother and I aren't crazy hippies. We just wanted to name him something that every child dreamed of and every grandparent hated. We did have a temporary fallout with one relative over the name but have since made up. Anyway, Fox was born on May 3, 2012 at Greenville Memorial Hospital at 9:23AM by Caesarean section. After 30 hours of uneventful induced labor, my ex, Amber wasn't even dilated 1 centimeter. I never thought I would see someone jump so fast at the chance to be cut open and have a baby forcefully extracted from her abdomen. That made me the only one that was nervous. To make a long story short, he was born, I cried for at least an hour and my life changed immediately. I've never experienced a joy so immense and seen God's hand on this world so clearly. My soul was shaken and returned to my body all within one hour. He looked like an angel and I looked like a man who hadn't slept in days. So here I am, 36 years old, a few months from divorce, and a single dad. I live with my mom and work at a place where I am underpaid and under appreciated. But I do have a wonderful son and I must say I am a good dad. Much better than my own, which is nice because that was my only vow to the sky when I saw his face for the first time. I live and breathe in his every essence and as he changes daily so does this man.
Divorce Part 2
So yeah, continuing on with my story of divorce....I tried my best to fight my ex-wife on having to meet this guy which became quickly futile. I swear even in separation, the man always loses the argument. It must be some innate gift that women possess....that or its just me and I am truly the best person to debate against. I lose every time. At any rate, we eventually came to a "compromise" that I would meet him but I needed more than a few days to prepare myself. I was secretly hoping that if I could buy a week or two then maybe this silly relationship would be over and I would be free of my burden. I knew deep down that I wouldn't get that lucky and I didn't. I think I was able to put her off for a week but that was it. Next thing I knew, I found myself standing in the house I used to live in, petting my long lost canine friend and shaking hand's with my ex's new one. Life is funny in a way because we talked like adults, shared a beer, laughed and then by some stroke of God's grace, I found myself actually liking the guy. Go figure. I even went as far as to tell both of them that everything was okay when I saw how nervous they both looked. Is that a caring heart or what? So I guess my moral of the story here is "Don't judge a book by its cover....especially if you haven't seen the cover and the book wants to be read by your ex-wife and become close with your son." Morals aside, it hurt like hell. Our days now consist of fighting every other week about something truly asinine followed by days full of half-ass apologies. As someone special told me once, a separation is full of ups and downs. The important thing and probably our most admirable achievement is that our son has no idea that we have ups and downs at all. The only thing he knows is that all of his needs are taken care of and that he has a mother and a father that love him very much. Maybe that should be the moral of this.
September 11
I remember where I was when planes crashed into the Twin Towers. I was working at a sign shop, LA Graphics, handcrafting a 40' Cracker Barrel sign when the news broke, silencing the music on the shop radio. I have no way to describe it except surreal. It was like the world stopped, so fast that all of the air was forcefully stolen from my lungs. I remember the urge to call my family even though they lived safely in Greenville with me. I think everyone felt this at the same time. On my lunchbreak, I went home just to watch the news... that's when it became real. To this day I still get chills when I think of the footage that was repeatedly played on every channel. Terrible terrible situation. Today we should all remember the victims and say a prayer for their families. And don't forget that when we join together, even over tragedy, we as a society can prevail and become strong. God bless the victims, their families, the brave NYC Fireman, and all of the men and women that serve and protect our blessed country every day.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Divorce
I am sure there are plenty of you out there that have had the unique privilege of going through a divorce. I sincerely hope yours was amicable, if those words even go together. The truth is that they are closer to bipolar opposites, kind of like my ex wife and I were. You see, we had all intentions of making a tidy split (as no one these days does we thought) and rising from the ashes unscathed, just two best friends, coparenting a child. This, people, is a crock of shit...a fool's dream. There's something about separating that makes two people with the greatest of intentions mortal enemies. Even though we tried to plan ahead and even put a clause in our agreement about dating other people, I honestly thought it would happen to me first. So, as God laughed at me, I signed the forms and felt a breath of freedom at the thought of dating someone other than her. How bad could it be? Well, it got bad. Not only was I not the first one to date, my ex wife alerted me two days after the judge's ink dried on the agreement that she had "unintentionally" found a guy that she wanted in her life. That wasn't it ladies and gentleman, not even close. She then proceeded to tell me that after one week (true story) that they were so sure that they wanted to be in each other's lives that she really wanted me to meet this guy so that he could be around our 15 month old son. I can't tell you how unprepared I was...hell, I couldn't even swallow hearing that she was already serious with someone, much less that I was going to have to meet him... all the while envisioning this dude with his grubby hands on my son. I truly had scenes of BBQ's, with me erased, playing in my head like reruns as I pictured him leaning my ex back for a kiss, turning around picking up my son, throwing him in the air and then rubbing his hair while calling him "Champ". Yeah, ain't love grand? Anyway, I have to go so we will continue this later.
Greetings
Here I am, about to embark on a great journey of ultimate disclosure and self discovery. Stay tuned.
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