Everyone on this earth is afraid of something. Whether it be the dark, spiders, or heights, everyone has a fear that they cannot control, one rooted deeply in their subconscious. These fears usually have an origin to them, even if the person cannot remember the exact reason for which they are scared. I've always wondered what my greatest fear is, since I have many things in this world that frighten me. Although I can't seem to pinpoint my grandest fear, I can identify one that has me on edge a lot as of lately. It is the fear of love.
Love is something that most people will fall head over heels into and most of these people more than once. It is something that binds us all together as humans as well as something that has the power to tear us all apart. As the old adage goes, "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Tell that to someone who is going through a breakup or divorce. Love is the greatest driving force in the universe and because of that it can be the most terrifying. My marriage taught me that love is something I definitely wanted to be in but at times an act I wasn't great at. Regardless of how much I tried in our marriage, I not only failed in saving it, I also ended up taking most of the blame for its ultimate downfall. This hurt me so deeply that the scars are visible. I spent a long time being told that I wasn't good enough and that all I did was hurt the ones I love, and I started to believe it. My ex built a wall so high and so thick that I decomposed outside of it waiting on a way to get over or through. I am by no means a perfect person, no one is, but I was expected to be and in that I failed miserably. Still, deep in my soul I tell myself that I didn't fail because I didn't know how to love.
Since I met Hilary I've been experiencing very raw and very uncontrollable emotions and I am scared to death. I told her that my fears were possibly because I needed to learn to love again. I don't think that is true at all. I think loving is innate, it is something that we are born to do. Only people that have been damaged, which we all have in our own ways, know how costly love is, and all others ache for it. Even those of us who have fallen victim to losing it, want nothing more than to experience it again. Love is powerful. I was damaged, Hilary was damaged and we have just recently begun the process of putting the pieces back together. But there is something driving us towards each other and it is definitely out of our hands. Whether it be a relationship or just simply one intense friendship, the commonality between us is the emotion of love. I said before that it wasn't because I need to learn to love again. My hangup with love is not letting it in or accepting it. Love is something that we build a wall in the face of, to keep it out, therefore keeping ourselves safe or someone else protected. It is such a scary emotion that we are terrified of falling into it because we are afraid it will drown us with its depth. What I'm trying to realize is that the opportunity of love is so amazing and so life-changing that it should never be squandered nor ignored. It should be embraced without fear of repercussion or non-return. So here is the ledge I am standing on and I want to take the chance, all I have to do is jump. The cure is to let in just a little more love, I promise you this, a little's enough.
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