Things happen for a reason

I have never been privy to online dating. Since I was with the same person for 10 years, it was a bit of a transition from domesticated husband to single dad looking for someone to date. Even the word "date" seemed weird to me at first. I met Amber at a bar in downtown Greenville so we really never had a traditional first date, unless you count screaming questions at each other over deafening music or exchanging timid glances through the smoky haze of cigarettes.  I guess you could say I was new to this world and I had no idea where to start. At 36 years old it was hard for me to stay up late enough to hit the bar scene at the appropriate time to meet single ladies so my options were limited. Plus, I wasn't so sure that I wanted to meet my next companion at a bar anyway since they mostly seemed like last resort meat markets for the desperate. So this led me to the world of online dating. As I'm sure some of you know, Internet dating sites are expensive. The way I figured it, how in the world would a person even be able to take a girl out after having their bank account drained by a dating site? Thankfully, there are free options for those of us with limited money and lots of patience. I say patience because I quickly found out that women on these free sites have become wary of most men due to the number of creeps that habitually send pictures of their manhood and ask for sex. Its hard to convince women that you aren't a bad guy when so many that preceded me made all men look like sex crazed animals. Long story short, I sent a lot of messages before I got my first response. The funniest thing is that after you reel them in, you have to be an interesting guy to hold their attention and I was a little rusty at that that in the beginning. I'm not saying that I am devoid of charm, I had just forgotten how to be charming. Its strange, I've never thought about that statement until it just left my fingers. In a way its a testament to how badly a failing marriage can suck the essence of self from a person. Its kind of a paradox though if you catch my drift. At any rate, once you've made a connection with a person and you've managed to hold their attention, you can work towards the idea of meeting in real life. I'm a relatively shy person so the thought scared me, mainly because I was going through a post-separation increase in my fear of being rejected. So I will admit, I spoke with plenty of girls before I mustered up the courage to commit myself to a meeting.

The first girl I met up with was in fact the last one I met on that site. Ironically enough, we met at a bar for a few drinks and some conversation and ended up staying for 3 hours. It was nice to talk to someone who seemed genuinely interested in the messy array of chatter that hastily poured from my ADD brain and out through my lips, someone who wasn't annoyed by it. She was someone who wanted to know more, someone I wanted to know more. It turned out she was also in the midst of a separation, was a month from divorce, and had 2 kids. Things happen for a reason she said.  I had a hard time believing that the first time I heard it, considering the recent down slide my life had taken, but she said it when I needed to hear it. I was going through a lot of pain and rejection and here was this steady rock perched strongly amidst my turbulent sea. She knew all of the right things to say and all of the perfect times to say them.  So maybe things do happen for a reason, although I did not think of her as more than a friend at the conclusion of our first "date". I believe mainly I was just protecting myself from my uncontrollable tendency to become quickly attached and involved with people whom I have recently met. But this woman was intelligent, funny, witty, and caring. Those qualities make the best friends and best friends make the best companions, so I figured it was a win/win deal for me. We continued to hang out and I felt my protective guard slip more and more each time we did so. One day while we were talking, she mentioned having to tell me the truth about something. Her truth was that there was another guy she had been talking to for 10 months and they had developed potential feelings for each other. He was away in the AF so he lived several states away but they planned on meeting very soon to see if they wanted to enter a long distance relationship. Anyway, she didn't think it was fair to hide that from me and wanted our friendship to be based on honesty, which I greatly admire. Until then I really hadn't known what I wanted out of our moments together but the knowledge of another guy stung enough to make it more clear. She said she still wanted to be friends and I agreed because I cared so much for her. Things happen for a reason I told myself.

So we continued to hang out as friends and had lots of fun together during the next few weeks. But as my feelings inside continued to grow, I knew in the back of my mind that she belonged to someone else. I really don't know if it was for my benefit or for hers, but during one conversation on her patio, she told me that even if it weren't for the other guy she wouldn't date me anyway because I wasn't over my ex. She was right and i knew it. It had become time for me to drop back and punt. As crazy as this sounds, one day I just woke up and didn't hurt at all over my separation or my ex wife. Maybe I became numb or maybe my grieving stage was over. Either way I could see things clearly and wanted to tell my best friend that but I became hesitant knowing that she wouldn't believe it. I cared about her and I didn't want to do anything to get in the way of her possible relationship with someone else or seem like I wanted her to choose. That's a really difficult thing to do when you have feelings for someone, to set them free. Its the ultimate sacrifice. But it wasn't just hard on me, it was really hard on her too. Its painful and confusing to know that someone has feelings for you and feel like you are hurting them and leading them on. I told her so many times that I just wanted to be friends regardless of what happened and that I would be her friend no matter what but I know she didn't believe it.  To be quite honest, neither did I. But things happen for a reason, don't they?

Over the days leading up to their long-awaited meeting, I played the part of the best friend and tried with all I had to help her, as well as myself, to prepare.  She was nervous and I was struggling with strange emotions. I didn't want to lose her and I knew that if things worked out with the other guy that I would be knocked down but that I would have to pick myself up and carry on. I had promised her that much and I intended on keeping that promise.  We had become too close for me to back away and I admit that I was selfish inside, although I didn't let it show.  When the day rolled around and her suitor came to town, I tried to find things to do and people to hang out with to keep myself busy, but more importantly keep myself from texting her constantly. My brain was racing for days with thoughts of how it was going between them and to make it worse I was getting next to nothing from her end. I received a few occasional messages about the spark that they had or about the fun things they were doing which only felt like salt on a fresh wound. I kept telling myself that we were just friends and that I was happy for her but the effort was only half-hearted.  I had a moment of weakness one evening when I was drunk and I started to ask too many questions and say too many things. Feelings that had been forced down deeply inside of me began to surface and although she won't ever say it, I'm sure I embarrassed myself.  He ended up staying an extra night and I asked no more questions. Anyway, the 3 days passed and then it was time for her ex husband to come into town to finalize the divorce. I was going to have to wait a few more days before I could see her again. I was so lonely and so tempted to throw in the towel but she needed me.  She was sad about her divorce and my job as always was to be a good friend and extend a shoulder.  At that moment, I wasn't so sure that things happen for a reason at all.

I was going through some tough times of my own already regarding Labor Day. Amber and her new boyfriend had made plans for the day with Fox included. It was really tough for me to deal with, being the first holiday we were spending as a defunkt family. The truth was that I missed being a part of a family, being able to hang out with Fox and Amber together. It was a new chapter in my life and I was struggling with it. To make matters worse, I had feelings for a girl who had feelings for another guy. Talk about a bad month. Anyway, after the guy left, she(my friend) invited me to a cookout at her sisters and the next day to a birthday party for her daughter. I almost turned her down because I wasn't sure how it went over the weekend or how I was supposed to even act around her. I remembered my promise though and figured it was as good a time as any to show her I could still be a friend.  I was really nervous about meeting her family because like I said, Im a shy person. Luckily, since I was "just a friend," I realized that I shouldn't feel as under the microscope as I would as a boyfriend.  So everything went well and we had a good time but I could tell she didn't know how to act around me either.  I felt like everything had been compromised and that I was going to lose it all. Sometimes there are no reasons for why things happen.

I was feeling pretty beaten in this battle when I was lifted up by the news from her friends and family that they were all cheering me on as the next guy in her life. I laughed it off nervously but inside I felt a sense of victory. To be honest the whole competition thing terrified me and I was dead set on downplaying that anytime I was around her. After all, what if she made the wrong choice and regretted being with me, wondering what might have been with another guy? I already felt a sense of failure stemming from my marriage so the pressure of pushing her into a wrong decision was a lot for me to bear. I remember one night outright telling her to chose him and I have no idea why. I'm not sure if I was trying to ease her mind, ease my mind, or simply dissipate some of the fear that I had about being in another relationship and messing it up again. Maybe I just figured that was the easiest way to take care of all three. Either way I told her that and I wish I could have somehow peered into her head at that very moment, just to get the slightest insight into how she felt hearing that. I'm sure she was thinking that things happen for a reason.

After the divorce was over and her ex husband on his way back to Louisiana, we made plans to go to our favorite dive bar for some drinks. I remember wanting to just grab her and pull her in, never letting go and begging her to drop that other guy. I remained silent and acted as cool as a cucumber. Somehow we got on the subject of her weekend with him and she actually admitted to missing me while they were together. A ray of hope beamed from inside my chest.  She went on to mention several things that he had said in passing that stuck in her craw. She claimed that it was nothing but I pushed her to know, feeling that it was important enough to pull out of her. The things I heard made me angry at the guy. I tried so hard not to badmouth him but I found myself saying "what an asshole." For a moment time stopped. The cogs in her head were turning as she went over and over the things he had said trying to rationalize how they shouldn't hurt her and possibly how he wasn't an asshole. After a few seconds she looked at me and asked if what he had said was weird and something that should bother her. Here I sat, watching this guy's destiny unfold before my eyes as he wrote himself out of this story. I acted selfishly and told her yes, that I would have never said anything like that to hurt her feelings. I told her he was blowing it and that she was okay to feel bothered if the comments hurt. I braced myself for the moment that I was sure to come, when she blew it off and said something like "nah, he's really a sweet guy and that's not what he meant by it." Instead she mentioned that she would like to run it by her sister and see what her reaction was. I was immediately excited because first I knew that her sister would take immediate offense to the comments and second that I had her all but in my corner. I had selfish thoughts I tell you but I was starting to believe that things happen for a reason.

After getting the same reaction from both her sister and mother, she started to believe that this guy was an asshole as I had called him. This now brings us to the present. Hilary and I have gotten a lot closer through all of this like we managed to fight through a war together and come out on the other side alive and well. I have never known someone that I was so drawn to, that I was willing to sacrifice any and all romantic feelings for, just to remain a part of her life. I have never told someone to pick another guy over me and I sure as hell have never bottled up so many feelings in my throat. Its been the best roller coaster that I have ever ridden and I don't know how I got the pleasure of winning a ticket but I a am genuinely thankful that it somehow fell into my lap. I find myself so pleasantly terrified around her that most times I'm sure that she can see my heart beating rapidly through my shirt. I honestly don't know if I am scared because of the unexplainable feelings that I have, because of the fact that I haven't known her that long, or perhaps just the uneasiness of coming out of a 10 year relationship and all of the rejection and self doubt that comes with it. No matter what the source of the fear, I can't seem to turn around and walk away. I am magnetically pulled to her, and its such an exciting feeling. I am truly sure now that things really do happen for a reason.