Anxiety...I'm A Passenger

     Times became rather anxious for Hilary and I since my last post.   If you didn't know, being pregnant has an ability to weigh on an expectant mother in the later weeks.  Hilary was too hot, too big, too tired, and too short on patience.  So was I for the most part.  Ever since our car accident in May, we have been to the hospital absolutely too many times.  Some times for safety's sake and some for curiosity's sake, we drove back and forth, trying to be good and ready in case Lyric arrived.  This was exhausting. We were mentally and physically bent to the brink, somehow still managing to get up each day.  I know that sounds extreme but anyone who has been in this situation will understand.  Waiting becomes what you live and breathe and most of that is done through a sigh. It's a true lesson in patience and faith.  I guess we weren't ready, or so the universe believed.  We were merely passengers aboard the fastest ride of our lives, suddenly thrust into slow motion. Just as we took a moment to relax, time sped up and our daughter was born unto this earth.
     It was honestly just another day, the one coincidentally right before a hard-fought, planned induction. Hilary didn't want to induce, yet she was 41 weeks, and completely done with the worrying.  I respected that.  Anyway, after her 7 hours of reserved belief that it was "go time," Hilary sent the SOS to my cellphone.  That was it, I was leaving work to have a baby.  I raced home.
     There was no time to waste as I jumped into the shower to rinse off the sweat.  Five minutes later we were on our way to the Midwifery Office.  It was uneventful.  Told to "go for a walk, eat some dinner" we headed downtown to the place we first met, Carolina Ale House.  Aprepos.  We had a forced dinner with a healthy side of painful contractions before finally getting the green light to head for the hospital.  I don't know about Hilary but I was nervous. Perhaps just anxious....after all this was the moment we had waited for.
     Once we arrived at the hospital, we found out that the waiting wasn't over. The Family Birthplace was busting at the seams with mothers in labor.  We had to wait in line at the business office only to wait in line for a room.  It was like a popular restaurant trying to survive the lunchtime rush.  I heard later on that we got the last available room and that that it was so busy that a mother even had to deliver in the hallway. Luckily, after what seemed like an eternity, we ended up in Labor and Delivery Room 1.
     When we entered the room I was greeted by an inflatable tub, about the size of a hot tub, sitting in the middle of the familiar labor suite.  There was a hose running from the bathroom into the tub, filling it with what felt like really comfortable water.  This was different but somehow really relaxing.  I thought about the water helping Hilary endure the increasing painful contractions and felt a sense of peace.  This was short lived though as my thoughts were interrupted by my wife calling my name with pain in her voice.
     All I could do is hold her through the contractions, which were coming every 3 or 4 minutes.  I felt so helpless I remember, holding her through the agony yet unable to ease it.  That's a very hard thing to swallow as a man, or maybe just as a human.  If we are programmed correctly, empathy is an emotion that we all possess.  Watching her struggle through pain I could never feel nor imagine was unbearable.  I prayed that it would be quick and easy, if there were such a thing.
    The longer the contractions went the harder it became for Hilary to make it through them.  I think we were both ready for some medicinal help, even though it wasn't in the original birth plan.  My biggest concern was that there wasn't enough time, but looking into her eyes as she suffered, I wasn't ruling anything out.  Just as she was about to cave, the Midwife delivered the okay for her to get into the warm tub for comfort.  This was a huge relief to me.  After all, I was grasping at straws here.
     The midwife knew just what to do, whether it was delivering some words of much needed encouragement or simply sending me a comforting glance, Barb was amazing.  Meanwhile, there was an ebb and a flow to the whole event that rendered me helpless.  As the contractions came and (gladly) went, there was still that anxious certainty that the pain would be back.  There was truly no way around it, this was going to test Hilary and hurt her.  It was going to deliver my love to the breaking point , and refuse to give up.  She had no choice in the matter, there was no white flag....she was going to have to survive the night.  These were the dramatic thoughts that spun in my head and shook me to the bones.  There wasn't anything anyone could do to stop the ride, we were merely passengers.  In the end, Hilary was phenomenal.
     I watched my wife moan over and over, in rhythmic certainty, as my only support offering became holding her hands tightly as she groaned and writhed in agony.  Even though I was helpless, the midwife and nurse were flitting around the room, preparing it and gathering necessary items to welcome Lyric into the world.  Better them than me.
     The tension began to mount and there was a great deal of screaming and after a puff of smoke in the water, Lyric rose to the surface.  This is exactly how I remember it. No clever metaphor, no fancy words, just a split second where the world stopped long enough for me to catch my breath....and witness life.   I learned one thing for sure, when you have your first child you are positive that your life has just changed forever.  But when you have your second, it somehow engraves an equivalent moment into your soul.  We are so fortunate to be able to live two or more miracles in a lifetime.  I now know just how much. 

     
     
    
    

Lyrical Poetry

     Aside from its well known definition as the words to a song, Lyric can be used as an adjective to describe a form of poetry that expresses the writer's deepest emotions. I find this to be a lovely name for a little girl.
     We are 29 weeks into the pregnancy today and all is well.  Hilary's check-ups go routinely perfect and the two of us feel like old pros at this baby-making thing.  I'm almost certain that this feeling will change once the labor starts, especially if we are forced to throw our Birth Plan out of the proverbial window.  I learned that the first time around as my ex and I had to settle for an unplanned C-section. I'm praying that won't happen, but I know very well that sometimes things don't go according to plan.  Hilary wants to have a smooth labor and natural delivery like she did with her 2nd child Avery and I want only what she wants. That is our only plan, just like every other awaiting mother and father. I'm excited yet very nervous to see a normal, natural delivery.  I know that I can handle it but I have no idea what to expect.  It's this aspect that makes me feel like a first-time father again, and that's very exhilarating.  I don't have any idea how to be supportive to a woman going through such a feat.  The thought of it being me scares me to death so I guess I'll just take that feeling and go from there.  Hilary is strong though and even if I didn't already know that she had been through it twice, I would be 100% sure that she could do it. I'm just hoping that when the time comes that it's not her that has to do all of the supporting. That's a joke, I think.

Going to the Chapel

     Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I honestly didn't think I would get married. Lo and behold, it happened to me at the ripe age of 30. More surprising is that here I sit at age 37, about to do it again. Yes, a date has been set for Hilary and me. On May 1st the two of us will become husband and wife.  We've chosen to do it in a courthouse, with a backyard reception of friends and family in the near future. "'Cause we've been there before, and we're never going back again, not again."  I'm not referring to a big wedding when I say this, I'm speaking of a successful marriage. Unhappiness is not an option.  This is a new life indeed.
     Some may be amazed that it's happened so quickly, but not to those the closest to us.  That day in Carolina Ale House something happened in two people's lives that couldn't be predicted, nor reproduced.  Hilary and I went from hurt people to whole people, and that's precisely where I feel we still are today. We are parents, we are individuals, and we are a team. Through the thick and the thin, I trust her with all that I have.  After all, this woman carries my baby while positively affecting my own son's life.  She is a strong woman... a rock in the wake of tempestuous noise.  Her children are my own, and mine is hers....we've built a strong family from a simple stack of wood.  I never would've thought all of this possible that day in Ale, not in a million years. But, one thing remains constant and I learned it on Day 1 with Hilary.  In this bubble, there lies two souls with potential.  Two that have been hurt and have gotten back up, two that want the same things in a relationship and also in a family, and two that haven't given up on fate nor love.  That was the magnetic attraction to her that night.  She made me feel hope, she made me feel alive.  Now I sit here, with a woman I love in the next room, and our children upstairs asleep....as I look around a house that we've just bought, in a town that we love. And it makes me wonder, where will this ride take me next?

Unequivacal Surreality

     My son, Fox, hates the terrifying reality of getting his hair washed. I've tried the dump on method, the "please tilt back your head" order, and my favorite, the "Buddy, its not going to hurt you" attempt at reason. None of these work with him.  He's unequivocally scared by the process. I've heard that his mother has the same plight.
     Tonight I saw the surreal, a step mother wash his hair like she had done it a million times.  She looked like a baby stylist. Fox held his head back perfectly, as Hilary poured the water so very close to his eyes but not quite...in a true motherly performance.  See, this is what my heart has needed to witness.    A true bond between my two favorite people, and me, straight through the looking glass.

And The Gender Is!!

     "What you see right there is the clitoris and the labia...yep you're having a girl. There's definitely no mistaking that...."  The words were life-changing as they so casually spilled from the ultrasound tech's smiling lips.  We are having a girl. Goodbye Desmond James, so long Atticus, we won't be needing you on this one.  Moments before, as I looked at the TV screen and at what I was sure was a baby penis, I have to admit I felt deflated.  Until that very second, I hadn't realized exactly how much I dreamed of having a little girl. In my last post, it became fairly clear to me which way I was leaning but I had no idea I would feel so disappointed during the moments when I was sure it was going to be a boy. Luckily, what I thought was a penis was actually the umbilical cord and the rest is history. Now I just find myself thinking of the perfect name, or what she will look like, maybe what her personality will be.  It's so exciting to imagine a little girl looking up to me as her Daddy.  This is truly the final piece I needed to feel fully connected to the pregnancy.
     This experience has even made me look at Cori in a new and special way. Maybe I see her as practice for what's to come, or maybe as a teacher. Either way, I've been really trying to get close to her and understand her as we approach our unborn daughter's due date. I'm realizing that here's definitely something different about little girls, but in a much distinct way than I previously thought. They are far more dramatic, yes, but also so much sweeter and more sharing of their emotions. For instance, Avery and Fox don't give out many hugs or kisses, and when they do its brief. Cori on the other hand has to be physically removed from me sometimes during a tight embrace. She is a very big hugger, kisser, and user of the words "I love you." The more time that I spend with her, the more I understand what Hilary meant when she spoke of Cori's loving side. I didn't notice until recently but she's starting to open me up as well. I found myself wanting to read to her the other night and feeling true love in my heart as I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. The words "Goodnight, I love you" felt as genuine coming out of my mouth as they do when I'm talking to Fox. It was an extremely real feeling and much needed as Cori has a unique way of stomping on her mother's and my last nerve. Afterall, we share the ADD gene and I know how frustrating and maddening we can be.  So much so that Hilary and I have openly shared our hopes for a laid back child, far more tame than our hyper little Cori and Fox.  I know that God has a sense of humor, but I can't imagine him being sadistic enough to bestow two parents with three hyper and emotional children. I guess we will see.
     As July 2nd approaches, Hilary and I get closer to picking a name for our daughter. I'm pretty sure that we want her first name to be Lyric and her middle name to be Olivia but we have also considered middle names of Jordan and Elaine, both of which carry a familial tie. Hilary keeps questioning whether or not it's important to use a family name, mainly because both of her kids have family based middle names. On the other hand there's me with a son named Fox Rocket. I truly do wonder if my family was hurt when Amber and I didn't choose a family name for him, but they never expressed it to me so either way I feel okay. In the end, I feel like using a family name is very traditional, and for that reason people feel drawn to it, but it can also hurt family just the same when their particular name isn't chosen over another one. I like to keep the worrying out of it and just go with something meaningful to the parents, whatever that may be. I'm certain that this is the way we will go when making the final decision. Lyric Olivia has such a great ring to it though, doesn't it?
     In closing I feel like I should simply say that here we are, halfway there, with three part time kids and one full timer on the way, living comfortably in our new house. The fastest ride continues and I find myself letting go a little more as time goes by. I'm loosening my grip on the rail and have just begun to put my hands in the air. Indeed I feel alive.

The Fastest Ride

My head has been spinning for the last 2 months, as literally everyday has been filled with countless preparations for the next stage of my life. Since I last posted, Hilary and I closed on a beautiful four bedroom house with a back yard and plenty of room for our growing blended family. The process was hectic and stressful, but I made it through like a true man on a mission. It made me feel complete to do something so "grown up" and so very beneficial to the ones I love the most.  As soon as we found out that Hilary was pregnant, I felt like a switch was thrown inside of me. I was scared, of course, but highly compelled to provide our children with the best life that I could, and give Hilary a fitting place to bring our new baby home to.  I also wanted to see undeniable proof that I've spent the last 14 years busting my ass for something.  The house is a gift to myself and to my family. I'm absolutely overcome with peace at the thought of raising kids in this house and growing old in this house. I want normalcy and stability for the children, a place that makes them feel safe and cozy.  I will admit, I do cringe at every spill, mess, and mark put on the wall, but I:m really making an effort to loosen up. With a fourth child on the way, I have a feeling staying calm is a skill I will be required to master.
     So speaking of the newest addition to our family, Hilary is exactly 20 weeks pregnant. I have no idea how we got here, but I assume the time flew right by me in the midst of all of the house hunting, buying, closing, and moving. It's funny, I sometimes forget that Hilary is pregnant until I see her recently expanding belly. I know this probably comes off as disinterest, but my ADD is genuinely so bad that I can only manage a certain amount of thoughts at a time.  The truth is that I've been caught up so heavily on preparing for the baby, that I haven't taken the time to appreciate the process as much as I would like. Maybe its because I can't experience personally carrying the child, or maybe its just that I've done this before. Either way, I'm afraid that I'm not giving Hilary my full attention when it comes to the child that we created together. From this moment on I vow to change that, to show her that I'm happy about this baby, and mostly because its hers and mine. I'm so excited and nervous to find out whether we're having a boy or a girl that I can hardly contain it, although I doubt that Hilary can tell.  That's another reason to work on conveying my emotions better and more often.
      Anyway, as far as the sex of the child, I'm not 100% sure what I'm hoping for. This is such a different feeling than with Fox, when I whole-heartedly prayed for a boy. Even with the opinion that boys are easier, I'm not sure I care if we have another besides Avery and Fox.  I guess the reason is because even though I have a step daughter, who loves on me more and more each day, there's something about the way that Cori looks at her father that can't be matched.  She sees him as a man above all other men, the one that holds her delicate heart, the true example for all of her future boyfriends. That's definitely a feeling that I can't get from Fox.  Although he loves his daddy, I know that he will always be closest to his mother for all of the same reasons that Cori looks up to her father. It would be nice to have a girl who sees me that way, one that I will always be able to reason with, and one that I can have firmly wrapped around my finger. She will be the lady for whom I can be that shining example for any man who one day wants to be in her life. Through typing this very blog, I think I have come up with my answer:  I want a baby girl. The thought makes my skin tingle and my heart race. I'm ready for the best and the fastest ride.