And The Gender Is!!

     "What you see right there is the clitoris and the labia...yep you're having a girl. There's definitely no mistaking that...."  The words were life-changing as they so casually spilled from the ultrasound tech's smiling lips.  We are having a girl. Goodbye Desmond James, so long Atticus, we won't be needing you on this one.  Moments before, as I looked at the TV screen and at what I was sure was a baby penis, I have to admit I felt deflated.  Until that very second, I hadn't realized exactly how much I dreamed of having a little girl. In my last post, it became fairly clear to me which way I was leaning but I had no idea I would feel so disappointed during the moments when I was sure it was going to be a boy. Luckily, what I thought was a penis was actually the umbilical cord and the rest is history. Now I just find myself thinking of the perfect name, or what she will look like, maybe what her personality will be.  It's so exciting to imagine a little girl looking up to me as her Daddy.  This is truly the final piece I needed to feel fully connected to the pregnancy.
     This experience has even made me look at Cori in a new and special way. Maybe I see her as practice for what's to come, or maybe as a teacher. Either way, I've been really trying to get close to her and understand her as we approach our unborn daughter's due date. I'm realizing that here's definitely something different about little girls, but in a much distinct way than I previously thought. They are far more dramatic, yes, but also so much sweeter and more sharing of their emotions. For instance, Avery and Fox don't give out many hugs or kisses, and when they do its brief. Cori on the other hand has to be physically removed from me sometimes during a tight embrace. She is a very big hugger, kisser, and user of the words "I love you." The more time that I spend with her, the more I understand what Hilary meant when she spoke of Cori's loving side. I didn't notice until recently but she's starting to open me up as well. I found myself wanting to read to her the other night and feeling true love in my heart as I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. The words "Goodnight, I love you" felt as genuine coming out of my mouth as they do when I'm talking to Fox. It was an extremely real feeling and much needed as Cori has a unique way of stomping on her mother's and my last nerve. Afterall, we share the ADD gene and I know how frustrating and maddening we can be.  So much so that Hilary and I have openly shared our hopes for a laid back child, far more tame than our hyper little Cori and Fox.  I know that God has a sense of humor, but I can't imagine him being sadistic enough to bestow two parents with three hyper and emotional children. I guess we will see.
     As July 2nd approaches, Hilary and I get closer to picking a name for our daughter. I'm pretty sure that we want her first name to be Lyric and her middle name to be Olivia but we have also considered middle names of Jordan and Elaine, both of which carry a familial tie. Hilary keeps questioning whether or not it's important to use a family name, mainly because both of her kids have family based middle names. On the other hand there's me with a son named Fox Rocket. I truly do wonder if my family was hurt when Amber and I didn't choose a family name for him, but they never expressed it to me so either way I feel okay. In the end, I feel like using a family name is very traditional, and for that reason people feel drawn to it, but it can also hurt family just the same when their particular name isn't chosen over another one. I like to keep the worrying out of it and just go with something meaningful to the parents, whatever that may be. I'm certain that this is the way we will go when making the final decision. Lyric Olivia has such a great ring to it though, doesn't it?
     In closing I feel like I should simply say that here we are, halfway there, with three part time kids and one full timer on the way, living comfortably in our new house. The fastest ride continues and I find myself letting go a little more as time goes by. I'm loosening my grip on the rail and have just begun to put my hands in the air. Indeed I feel alive.

The Fastest Ride

My head has been spinning for the last 2 months, as literally everyday has been filled with countless preparations for the next stage of my life. Since I last posted, Hilary and I closed on a beautiful four bedroom house with a back yard and plenty of room for our growing blended family. The process was hectic and stressful, but I made it through like a true man on a mission. It made me feel complete to do something so "grown up" and so very beneficial to the ones I love the most.  As soon as we found out that Hilary was pregnant, I felt like a switch was thrown inside of me. I was scared, of course, but highly compelled to provide our children with the best life that I could, and give Hilary a fitting place to bring our new baby home to.  I also wanted to see undeniable proof that I've spent the last 14 years busting my ass for something.  The house is a gift to myself and to my family. I'm absolutely overcome with peace at the thought of raising kids in this house and growing old in this house. I want normalcy and stability for the children, a place that makes them feel safe and cozy.  I will admit, I do cringe at every spill, mess, and mark put on the wall, but I:m really making an effort to loosen up. With a fourth child on the way, I have a feeling staying calm is a skill I will be required to master.
     So speaking of the newest addition to our family, Hilary is exactly 20 weeks pregnant. I have no idea how we got here, but I assume the time flew right by me in the midst of all of the house hunting, buying, closing, and moving. It's funny, I sometimes forget that Hilary is pregnant until I see her recently expanding belly. I know this probably comes off as disinterest, but my ADD is genuinely so bad that I can only manage a certain amount of thoughts at a time.  The truth is that I've been caught up so heavily on preparing for the baby, that I haven't taken the time to appreciate the process as much as I would like. Maybe its because I can't experience personally carrying the child, or maybe its just that I've done this before. Either way, I'm afraid that I'm not giving Hilary my full attention when it comes to the child that we created together. From this moment on I vow to change that, to show her that I'm happy about this baby, and mostly because its hers and mine. I'm so excited and nervous to find out whether we're having a boy or a girl that I can hardly contain it, although I doubt that Hilary can tell.  That's another reason to work on conveying my emotions better and more often.
      Anyway, as far as the sex of the child, I'm not 100% sure what I'm hoping for. This is such a different feeling than with Fox, when I whole-heartedly prayed for a boy. Even with the opinion that boys are easier, I'm not sure I care if we have another besides Avery and Fox.  I guess the reason is because even though I have a step daughter, who loves on me more and more each day, there's something about the way that Cori looks at her father that can't be matched.  She sees him as a man above all other men, the one that holds her delicate heart, the true example for all of her future boyfriends. That's definitely a feeling that I can't get from Fox.  Although he loves his daddy, I know that he will always be closest to his mother for all of the same reasons that Cori looks up to her father. It would be nice to have a girl who sees me that way, one that I will always be able to reason with, and one that I can have firmly wrapped around my finger. She will be the lady for whom I can be that shining example for any man who one day wants to be in her life. Through typing this very blog, I think I have come up with my answer:  I want a baby girl. The thought makes my skin tingle and my heart race. I'm ready for the best and the fastest ride.