My head has been spinning for the last 2 months, as literally everyday has been filled with countless preparations for the next stage of my life. Since I last posted, Hilary and I closed on a beautiful four bedroom house with a back yard and plenty of room for our growing blended family. The process was hectic and stressful, but I made it through like a true man on a mission. It made me feel complete to do something so "grown up" and so very beneficial to the ones I love the most. As soon as we found out that Hilary was pregnant, I felt like a switch was thrown inside of me. I was scared, of course, but highly compelled to provide our children with the best life that I could, and give Hilary a fitting place to bring our new baby home to. I also wanted to see undeniable proof that I've spent the last 14 years busting my ass for something. The house is a gift to myself and to my family. I'm absolutely overcome with peace at the thought of raising kids in this house and growing old in this house. I want normalcy and stability for the children, a place that makes them feel safe and cozy. I will admit, I do cringe at every spill, mess, and mark put on the wall, but I:m really making an effort to loosen up. With a fourth child on the way, I have a feeling staying calm is a skill I will be required to master.
So speaking of the newest addition to our family, Hilary is exactly 20 weeks pregnant. I have no idea how we got here, but I assume the time flew right by me in the midst of all of the house hunting, buying, closing, and moving. It's funny, I sometimes forget that Hilary is pregnant until I see her recently expanding belly. I know this probably comes off as disinterest, but my ADD is genuinely so bad that I can only manage a certain amount of thoughts at a time. The truth is that I've been caught up so heavily on preparing for the baby, that I haven't taken the time to appreciate the process as much as I would like. Maybe its because I can't experience personally carrying the child, or maybe its just that I've done this before. Either way, I'm afraid that I'm not giving Hilary my full attention when it comes to the child that we created together. From this moment on I vow to change that, to show her that I'm happy about this baby, and mostly because its hers and mine. I'm so excited and nervous to find out whether we're having a boy or a girl that I can hardly contain it, although I doubt that Hilary can tell. That's another reason to work on conveying my emotions better and more often.
Anyway, as far as the sex of the child, I'm not 100% sure what I'm hoping for. This is such a different feeling than with Fox, when I whole-heartedly prayed for a boy. Even with the opinion that boys are easier, I'm not sure I care if we have another besides Avery and Fox. I guess the reason is because even though I have a step daughter, who loves on me more and more each day, there's something about the way that Cori looks at her father that can't be matched. She sees him as a man above all other men, the one that holds her delicate heart, the true example for all of her future boyfriends. That's definitely a feeling that I can't get from Fox. Although he loves his daddy, I know that he will always be closest to his mother for all of the same reasons that Cori looks up to her father. It would be nice to have a girl who sees me that way, one that I will always be able to reason with, and one that I can have firmly wrapped around my finger. She will be the lady for whom I can be that shining example for any man who one day wants to be in her life. Through typing this very blog, I think I have come up with my answer: I want a baby girl. The thought makes my skin tingle and my heart race. I'm ready for the best and the fastest ride.
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