New Life

     Over the last year, Hilary and I have been thrust face first into 3 kids and all of the joy and hardship that comes with raising them. We've had our fair share of fights to dissolve, orders to bark, messes to clean, and tears to wipe away. During this short time, our children have become what I can only classify as "real siblings." I've watched them become integral parts of each others little lives and I pride myself on the stability that we have provided them with in our own version of a blended family. I find myself truly loving her kids, something I wasn't sure was even possible in the beginning, and wanting to become a mainstay in their lives. Not to say that they aren't loveable, its just that I never saw myself loving another child beyond Fox, especially two that aren't biologically mine.
     This has been a time of great personal growth as well as a lesson in love and patience. I feel that through the journey, Hilary and I have become stronger, both together and as separate entities.  We can see a present future for us and our family, and that gives me peace beyond words. I never thought I would love another woman like this and I had never in my wildest dreams pictured myself as a part of a family of 5. Just a year and a half ago I had given up on the possibility of being happy, thinking that no woman would ever want a mid-thirties single father as a potential mate. And as for a big family, that idea had been squashed by my ex-wife and I during our marriage. I honestly did not think I had the patience for several kids, especially when Fox by himself was a great test. I guess that's the difference between being a single parent and being part of a team, a cohesive unit. Kids are easier to handle when someone is there to help you, support you, agree with you, and sometimes even disagree with you.
     Touching on the latter, I've learned a great deal from Hilary in regards to being a father. She tells me when I'm being soft and she tells me to calm down when my patience is gone. She's my lover, my best friend, and my partner through the madness of life. I truly hope that I help her in parenting even a fraction of the ways she helps me.
     Lately Hilary and I have spent a lot of time talking about exciting things like marriage and buying a house. We are living in a two bedroom apartment with no back yard and the walls are starting to close in on us and the kids. We simply need more room for them to run around and for us get some peace and quiet. Its amazing how loud three kids 5 and under can be.
     First though, I would like to focus on the part about getting married. I genuinely feel that Hilary is the one for me, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. This has been hammered home more and more in the last week but I'll get to that in a minute. She helps me be the man I need to be and she is so vastly different from my ex-wife that its not even fair to mention them in the same sentence. She keeps me calm, makes me dream, listens to me, and most importantly lets me be who I am. It doesn't hurt either that she looks at me like a woman in true love, one that would do anything on this earth if I asked. The marriage part doesn't scare me at all. What scares me is that we just found out she is pregnant. Don't get me wrong, a baby on the way isn't what worries me, even though it means that we will have 4 kids to tend to, it's that I wanted to get so much done before having another child. But this isn't the end of the world, its the beginning of a new life. One that makes me nervous, like the feeling you get while waiting in line for a roller coaster. It's uncontrollable excitement and fear rolled into one tight package. Now that I've purchased the ticket, I'm ready for the ride.