New Life

     Over the last year, Hilary and I have been thrust face first into 3 kids and all of the joy and hardship that comes with raising them. We've had our fair share of fights to dissolve, orders to bark, messes to clean, and tears to wipe away. During this short time, our children have become what I can only classify as "real siblings." I've watched them become integral parts of each others little lives and I pride myself on the stability that we have provided them with in our own version of a blended family. I find myself truly loving her kids, something I wasn't sure was even possible in the beginning, and wanting to become a mainstay in their lives. Not to say that they aren't loveable, its just that I never saw myself loving another child beyond Fox, especially two that aren't biologically mine.
     This has been a time of great personal growth as well as a lesson in love and patience. I feel that through the journey, Hilary and I have become stronger, both together and as separate entities.  We can see a present future for us and our family, and that gives me peace beyond words. I never thought I would love another woman like this and I had never in my wildest dreams pictured myself as a part of a family of 5. Just a year and a half ago I had given up on the possibility of being happy, thinking that no woman would ever want a mid-thirties single father as a potential mate. And as for a big family, that idea had been squashed by my ex-wife and I during our marriage. I honestly did not think I had the patience for several kids, especially when Fox by himself was a great test. I guess that's the difference between being a single parent and being part of a team, a cohesive unit. Kids are easier to handle when someone is there to help you, support you, agree with you, and sometimes even disagree with you.
     Touching on the latter, I've learned a great deal from Hilary in regards to being a father. She tells me when I'm being soft and she tells me to calm down when my patience is gone. She's my lover, my best friend, and my partner through the madness of life. I truly hope that I help her in parenting even a fraction of the ways she helps me.
     Lately Hilary and I have spent a lot of time talking about exciting things like marriage and buying a house. We are living in a two bedroom apartment with no back yard and the walls are starting to close in on us and the kids. We simply need more room for them to run around and for us get some peace and quiet. Its amazing how loud three kids 5 and under can be.
     First though, I would like to focus on the part about getting married. I genuinely feel that Hilary is the one for me, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. This has been hammered home more and more in the last week but I'll get to that in a minute. She helps me be the man I need to be and she is so vastly different from my ex-wife that its not even fair to mention them in the same sentence. She keeps me calm, makes me dream, listens to me, and most importantly lets me be who I am. It doesn't hurt either that she looks at me like a woman in true love, one that would do anything on this earth if I asked. The marriage part doesn't scare me at all. What scares me is that we just found out she is pregnant. Don't get me wrong, a baby on the way isn't what worries me, even though it means that we will have 4 kids to tend to, it's that I wanted to get so much done before having another child. But this isn't the end of the world, its the beginning of a new life. One that makes me nervous, like the feeling you get while waiting in line for a roller coaster. It's uncontrollable excitement and fear rolled into one tight package. Now that I've purchased the ticket, I'm ready for the ride.
     
   

Three's a Crowd

I used to think that Amber and I would never make peace after making the difficult decision to divorce.  The days and nights hung heavy on my feet, like thick mud, as we walked towards the one year mark. Now here we are, one year later, and things have changed in major ways. Amber and I have become friends now, somehow finding a mutual respect for each other. I don't know exactly what caused the change but I am so very thankful for its arrival. I honestly believe that she finally got over hating me so much, perhaps remembering that I was someone that she loved at one time, also the father of our son. I don't spend a lot of time looking for the reasons why, instead I cherish the days we spend without a fight. I wish I could say the same thing for Hilary.
     Hilary and her ex husband are on the other side of a divorce, as theirs has been finalized for close to 8 months.  The difference is that they are just now diving into the deep abyss of co-parenting their two children. If there is anything I've learned in the last year, its that co-parenting takes alot of patience, pride-swallowing, and communication. Its very much like a marriage.  It can be smooth and easy or turbulent and scary.  Theirs is like the ocean during a hurricane. Its really hard to watch them interact after going through the same situation for the larger part of the last year. I finally know how Hilary felt all of those times that she hurt when I hurt, when she extended comforting words and support, while I stumbled into and out of many brawls with my ex-wife.  I'm currently trying to do the same but its hard to watch a man disrespect the woman you love.  I can honestly see why Hilary has such a hard time with Amber. She is angry from hearing every harsh and hurtful comment that Amber laid upon me. I still tell her that she has to let it go, but its hard for her to. In the same token, its hard for me to look past the situations when "the ex" treats Hilary poorly and when he has his priorities mixed up. I suppose that's what happens when I spend so much time with her children, I get attached and I want the best for them. In this case the best thing for them is a father who is attentive, one that never sees the children as an inconvenience, and one that treats his ex-wife with respect for their little eyes to see.  I could go on and on about this, but Hilary and I have already done that on far more than one occasion. We try to spend the majority of our time not talking about it, an attempt to stay positive. Afterall, we can only control what we do and how much we make the children feel special.  Why is it sometimes so hard for adults to stop acting like children themselves, and instead put their actual kids first?
     So yes, three's a crowd when it comes to failed marriages and new relationships. I wish it could be different.  I wish I knew that when it comes to kids, that it is understood that everyone genuinely means well in the triad of mom, dad, and "step-parent." We all have our roles and the kids need all three of us, working together like a well oiled machine.  There is no threat to the actual parents if they simply do their jobs. Otherwise, the step parent, if he/she is a worthy person must step up and fill one of the roles.  Its a balance that is hard to achieve but one that is extremely worth working on.  Maybe it takes time. Perhaps its no more than a work in progress.  Either way, I try to remember that Hilary's ex is a part of her kids and to respect him for that, while never letting them hear anything negative come out of my mouth. My other job is to show them that their mother should be respected herself, and loved, because that is the measure of a man.

Home

A comfort flows into my bones,
   from the words you speak,
   when we're all alone.
The world can't hear the things that I do,
   and no one can listen,
   like I do to you.
You stroke my hair and gaze into my eyes,
   with breath like a whisper,
   you've nothing to hide.
At times we've shared laughs and others shed tears,
   bared the fibers of our souls,
   in less than a year.
So tell me my love, who do you see,
  when you look at your future,
   is there room saved for me?
With three wonderful kids, maybe one of our own,
   a functional family,
   perfect picture of home.

We are family

Last night, I saw a family reunited.  While walking the dog, I waited in anticipation for Hilary's car to appear around the curve and pull into her usual parking spot in front of her apartment. By this point, I had already taken out the trash, lent an eye to the mouthwatering fragrance emitting from the crockpot, made the bed, swept the kitchen, and generally tidied up. The last thing left was walking the dog. I wanted everything to be perfect when she arrived, for this was finally the blessed day on which her children came home forever.

Hilary loved being in a family before the separation and divorce, in fact, I truly believe it was her reason for living. She seemed to miss every facet of what the bond stood for and what it provided her heart and soul with. She doesn't know this but I prayed daily for the moment when her kids could move back so that she could hold them whenever she wanted or needed to. See, I could tell that Hilary was missing something inside, and although she was almost always a positive and upbeat individual, behind it there was a secret longing. She wanted to feel like a mother again. Her children are the entire world to her, so of course, they are also very important to me.

The dog stopped dead in her tracks, lifting both ears to the sound of a car pulling up behind us. She turned around, ran, and dragged me towards the blue Saturn that I had been waiting on. As the driver door opened, I could immediately hear little voices screaming in excitement. My heart lifted as Hilary and her daughter, Cori got out of the car. I turned the dog's leash over to Cori and offered my help to her mother in removing her son, Avery from the carseat.

To make a long story short, the evening was filled with dinner, the Disney Channel, bath time, then finally with pictures and popcorn. Most of the time I kept myself out of the way, doing dishes or cleaning up the kitchen, while Hilary was a mother to her children. It was so special to watch the three of them interact and I fully enjoyed being a fly on the wall, watching a family just be. I felt warm every time Hilary scooped up one of her angels, spun them around, and planted kisses on their little faces. She looked happy and it radiated from her like the brightest sunshine.  I felt like I was part of a family again, the mom handling the kids baths while the dad cleaned up dinner and picked up the toys. It's very surreal to feel like that, like a living scene from your favorite movie. It was that moment when I realized that I missed being a part of a family as much as Hilary did. Maybe that's what I exist for, perhaps its what I long for. It sure felt like it as we laughed, wrestled, and snacked our way through Mikey's Clubhouse. It was a wonderfully complete feeling and I'm so lucky to have experienced it. Last night, I saw a family reunited.

Prisoners

Why are we prisoners of our fears,
And how did we lose control?
A final product of painful years,
Or devastation of the whole?
Limping, we walk throughout the world,
Growing stunted in our minds.
Becoming the little boys and girls,
That we tried to leave behind.
What's the solution to overcome,
To trust when there's nothing left,
To forge the pieces back to one,
And silence demons in our head?
I haven't a clue, but I remain intact,
Completely owed for my times of strife.
Once ahead I swear I'll never look back,
I am FEARLESS in my brand new life.

Silenced

I spoke her name with a subtle breath,
There were things I refused to say aloud.
No proclamation of love from the top of the hill,
I tried to scream there was no sound.
It was not that I wanted to keep her hidden,
No chance in hell that I wasn't proud.
I was locked up and loaded down by the past,
Plus the world knew too much of me now.
I didn't see it I said, but that was a lie,
For the guilt inside kept me breathless.
Silenced and shamed by my failing past life,
I really needed my soul to feel restless.
I saw the hurt on her face and the tear in her eye,
Then I knew what had to be done.
I screamed it aloud for the whole world to hear,
"This is my girl, and she is the one."

Questions

Her eyes of blue and green gaze right through me,
As if she knows my soul inside and out.
I don't understand what she sees in this man,
Then one perfect grin erases my doubt.
When I ask, she says its nothing,
But her face glows with anticipation.
I want nothing more than to know what she thinks,
Then her kiss melts any reservation.