Unequivacal Surreality

     My son, Fox, hates the terrifying reality of getting his hair washed. I've tried the dump on method, the "please tilt back your head" order, and my favorite, the "Buddy, its not going to hurt you" attempt at reason. None of these work with him.  He's unequivocally scared by the process. I've heard that his mother has the same plight.
     Tonight I saw the surreal, a step mother wash his hair like she had done it a million times.  She looked like a baby stylist. Fox held his head back perfectly, as Hilary poured the water so very close to his eyes but not quite...in a true motherly performance.  See, this is what my heart has needed to witness.    A true bond between my two favorite people, and me, straight through the looking glass.

And The Gender Is!!

     "What you see right there is the clitoris and the labia...yep you're having a girl. There's definitely no mistaking that...."  The words were life-changing as they so casually spilled from the ultrasound tech's smiling lips.  We are having a girl. Goodbye Desmond James, so long Atticus, we won't be needing you on this one.  Moments before, as I looked at the TV screen and at what I was sure was a baby penis, I have to admit I felt deflated.  Until that very second, I hadn't realized exactly how much I dreamed of having a little girl. In my last post, it became fairly clear to me which way I was leaning but I had no idea I would feel so disappointed during the moments when I was sure it was going to be a boy. Luckily, what I thought was a penis was actually the umbilical cord and the rest is history. Now I just find myself thinking of the perfect name, or what she will look like, maybe what her personality will be.  It's so exciting to imagine a little girl looking up to me as her Daddy.  This is truly the final piece I needed to feel fully connected to the pregnancy.
     This experience has even made me look at Cori in a new and special way. Maybe I see her as practice for what's to come, or maybe as a teacher. Either way, I've been really trying to get close to her and understand her as we approach our unborn daughter's due date. I'm realizing that here's definitely something different about little girls, but in a much distinct way than I previously thought. They are far more dramatic, yes, but also so much sweeter and more sharing of their emotions. For instance, Avery and Fox don't give out many hugs or kisses, and when they do its brief. Cori on the other hand has to be physically removed from me sometimes during a tight embrace. She is a very big hugger, kisser, and user of the words "I love you." The more time that I spend with her, the more I understand what Hilary meant when she spoke of Cori's loving side. I didn't notice until recently but she's starting to open me up as well. I found myself wanting to read to her the other night and feeling true love in my heart as I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. The words "Goodnight, I love you" felt as genuine coming out of my mouth as they do when I'm talking to Fox. It was an extremely real feeling and much needed as Cori has a unique way of stomping on her mother's and my last nerve. Afterall, we share the ADD gene and I know how frustrating and maddening we can be.  So much so that Hilary and I have openly shared our hopes for a laid back child, far more tame than our hyper little Cori and Fox.  I know that God has a sense of humor, but I can't imagine him being sadistic enough to bestow two parents with three hyper and emotional children. I guess we will see.
     As July 2nd approaches, Hilary and I get closer to picking a name for our daughter. I'm pretty sure that we want her first name to be Lyric and her middle name to be Olivia but we have also considered middle names of Jordan and Elaine, both of which carry a familial tie. Hilary keeps questioning whether or not it's important to use a family name, mainly because both of her kids have family based middle names. On the other hand there's me with a son named Fox Rocket. I truly do wonder if my family was hurt when Amber and I didn't choose a family name for him, but they never expressed it to me so either way I feel okay. In the end, I feel like using a family name is very traditional, and for that reason people feel drawn to it, but it can also hurt family just the same when their particular name isn't chosen over another one. I like to keep the worrying out of it and just go with something meaningful to the parents, whatever that may be. I'm certain that this is the way we will go when making the final decision. Lyric Olivia has such a great ring to it though, doesn't it?
     In closing I feel like I should simply say that here we are, halfway there, with three part time kids and one full timer on the way, living comfortably in our new house. The fastest ride continues and I find myself letting go a little more as time goes by. I'm loosening my grip on the rail and have just begun to put my hands in the air. Indeed I feel alive.

The Fastest Ride

My head has been spinning for the last 2 months, as literally everyday has been filled with countless preparations for the next stage of my life. Since I last posted, Hilary and I closed on a beautiful four bedroom house with a back yard and plenty of room for our growing blended family. The process was hectic and stressful, but I made it through like a true man on a mission. It made me feel complete to do something so "grown up" and so very beneficial to the ones I love the most.  As soon as we found out that Hilary was pregnant, I felt like a switch was thrown inside of me. I was scared, of course, but highly compelled to provide our children with the best life that I could, and give Hilary a fitting place to bring our new baby home to.  I also wanted to see undeniable proof that I've spent the last 14 years busting my ass for something.  The house is a gift to myself and to my family. I'm absolutely overcome with peace at the thought of raising kids in this house and growing old in this house. I want normalcy and stability for the children, a place that makes them feel safe and cozy.  I will admit, I do cringe at every spill, mess, and mark put on the wall, but I:m really making an effort to loosen up. With a fourth child on the way, I have a feeling staying calm is a skill I will be required to master.
     So speaking of the newest addition to our family, Hilary is exactly 20 weeks pregnant. I have no idea how we got here, but I assume the time flew right by me in the midst of all of the house hunting, buying, closing, and moving. It's funny, I sometimes forget that Hilary is pregnant until I see her recently expanding belly. I know this probably comes off as disinterest, but my ADD is genuinely so bad that I can only manage a certain amount of thoughts at a time.  The truth is that I've been caught up so heavily on preparing for the baby, that I haven't taken the time to appreciate the process as much as I would like. Maybe its because I can't experience personally carrying the child, or maybe its just that I've done this before. Either way, I'm afraid that I'm not giving Hilary my full attention when it comes to the child that we created together. From this moment on I vow to change that, to show her that I'm happy about this baby, and mostly because its hers and mine. I'm so excited and nervous to find out whether we're having a boy or a girl that I can hardly contain it, although I doubt that Hilary can tell.  That's another reason to work on conveying my emotions better and more often.
      Anyway, as far as the sex of the child, I'm not 100% sure what I'm hoping for. This is such a different feeling than with Fox, when I whole-heartedly prayed for a boy. Even with the opinion that boys are easier, I'm not sure I care if we have another besides Avery and Fox.  I guess the reason is because even though I have a step daughter, who loves on me more and more each day, there's something about the way that Cori looks at her father that can't be matched.  She sees him as a man above all other men, the one that holds her delicate heart, the true example for all of her future boyfriends. That's definitely a feeling that I can't get from Fox.  Although he loves his daddy, I know that he will always be closest to his mother for all of the same reasons that Cori looks up to her father. It would be nice to have a girl who sees me that way, one that I will always be able to reason with, and one that I can have firmly wrapped around my finger. She will be the lady for whom I can be that shining example for any man who one day wants to be in her life. Through typing this very blog, I think I have come up with my answer:  I want a baby girl. The thought makes my skin tingle and my heart race. I'm ready for the best and the fastest ride.

New Life

     Over the last year, Hilary and I have been thrust face first into 3 kids and all of the joy and hardship that comes with raising them. We've had our fair share of fights to dissolve, orders to bark, messes to clean, and tears to wipe away. During this short time, our children have become what I can only classify as "real siblings." I've watched them become integral parts of each others little lives and I pride myself on the stability that we have provided them with in our own version of a blended family. I find myself truly loving her kids, something I wasn't sure was even possible in the beginning, and wanting to become a mainstay in their lives. Not to say that they aren't loveable, its just that I never saw myself loving another child beyond Fox, especially two that aren't biologically mine.
     This has been a time of great personal growth as well as a lesson in love and patience. I feel that through the journey, Hilary and I have become stronger, both together and as separate entities.  We can see a present future for us and our family, and that gives me peace beyond words. I never thought I would love another woman like this and I had never in my wildest dreams pictured myself as a part of a family of 5. Just a year and a half ago I had given up on the possibility of being happy, thinking that no woman would ever want a mid-thirties single father as a potential mate. And as for a big family, that idea had been squashed by my ex-wife and I during our marriage. I honestly did not think I had the patience for several kids, especially when Fox by himself was a great test. I guess that's the difference between being a single parent and being part of a team, a cohesive unit. Kids are easier to handle when someone is there to help you, support you, agree with you, and sometimes even disagree with you.
     Touching on the latter, I've learned a great deal from Hilary in regards to being a father. She tells me when I'm being soft and she tells me to calm down when my patience is gone. She's my lover, my best friend, and my partner through the madness of life. I truly hope that I help her in parenting even a fraction of the ways she helps me.
     Lately Hilary and I have spent a lot of time talking about exciting things like marriage and buying a house. We are living in a two bedroom apartment with no back yard and the walls are starting to close in on us and the kids. We simply need more room for them to run around and for us get some peace and quiet. Its amazing how loud three kids 5 and under can be.
     First though, I would like to focus on the part about getting married. I genuinely feel that Hilary is the one for me, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. This has been hammered home more and more in the last week but I'll get to that in a minute. She helps me be the man I need to be and she is so vastly different from my ex-wife that its not even fair to mention them in the same sentence. She keeps me calm, makes me dream, listens to me, and most importantly lets me be who I am. It doesn't hurt either that she looks at me like a woman in true love, one that would do anything on this earth if I asked. The marriage part doesn't scare me at all. What scares me is that we just found out she is pregnant. Don't get me wrong, a baby on the way isn't what worries me, even though it means that we will have 4 kids to tend to, it's that I wanted to get so much done before having another child. But this isn't the end of the world, its the beginning of a new life. One that makes me nervous, like the feeling you get while waiting in line for a roller coaster. It's uncontrollable excitement and fear rolled into one tight package. Now that I've purchased the ticket, I'm ready for the ride.
     
   

Three's a Crowd

I used to think that Amber and I would never make peace after making the difficult decision to divorce.  The days and nights hung heavy on my feet, like thick mud, as we walked towards the one year mark. Now here we are, one year later, and things have changed in major ways. Amber and I have become friends now, somehow finding a mutual respect for each other. I don't know exactly what caused the change but I am so very thankful for its arrival. I honestly believe that she finally got over hating me so much, perhaps remembering that I was someone that she loved at one time, also the father of our son. I don't spend a lot of time looking for the reasons why, instead I cherish the days we spend without a fight. I wish I could say the same thing for Hilary.
     Hilary and her ex husband are on the other side of a divorce, as theirs has been finalized for close to 8 months.  The difference is that they are just now diving into the deep abyss of co-parenting their two children. If there is anything I've learned in the last year, its that co-parenting takes alot of patience, pride-swallowing, and communication. Its very much like a marriage.  It can be smooth and easy or turbulent and scary.  Theirs is like the ocean during a hurricane. Its really hard to watch them interact after going through the same situation for the larger part of the last year. I finally know how Hilary felt all of those times that she hurt when I hurt, when she extended comforting words and support, while I stumbled into and out of many brawls with my ex-wife.  I'm currently trying to do the same but its hard to watch a man disrespect the woman you love.  I can honestly see why Hilary has such a hard time with Amber. She is angry from hearing every harsh and hurtful comment that Amber laid upon me. I still tell her that she has to let it go, but its hard for her to. In the same token, its hard for me to look past the situations when "the ex" treats Hilary poorly and when he has his priorities mixed up. I suppose that's what happens when I spend so much time with her children, I get attached and I want the best for them. In this case the best thing for them is a father who is attentive, one that never sees the children as an inconvenience, and one that treats his ex-wife with respect for their little eyes to see.  I could go on and on about this, but Hilary and I have already done that on far more than one occasion. We try to spend the majority of our time not talking about it, an attempt to stay positive. Afterall, we can only control what we do and how much we make the children feel special.  Why is it sometimes so hard for adults to stop acting like children themselves, and instead put their actual kids first?
     So yes, three's a crowd when it comes to failed marriages and new relationships. I wish it could be different.  I wish I knew that when it comes to kids, that it is understood that everyone genuinely means well in the triad of mom, dad, and "step-parent." We all have our roles and the kids need all three of us, working together like a well oiled machine.  There is no threat to the actual parents if they simply do their jobs. Otherwise, the step parent, if he/she is a worthy person must step up and fill one of the roles.  Its a balance that is hard to achieve but one that is extremely worth working on.  Maybe it takes time. Perhaps its no more than a work in progress.  Either way, I try to remember that Hilary's ex is a part of her kids and to respect him for that, while never letting them hear anything negative come out of my mouth. My other job is to show them that their mother should be respected herself, and loved, because that is the measure of a man.

Home

A comfort flows into my bones,
   from the words you speak,
   when we're all alone.
The world can't hear the things that I do,
   and no one can listen,
   like I do to you.
You stroke my hair and gaze into my eyes,
   with breath like a whisper,
   you've nothing to hide.
At times we've shared laughs and others shed tears,
   bared the fibers of our souls,
   in less than a year.
So tell me my love, who do you see,
  when you look at your future,
   is there room saved for me?
With three wonderful kids, maybe one of our own,
   a functional family,
   perfect picture of home.

We are family

Last night, I saw a family reunited.  While walking the dog, I waited in anticipation for Hilary's car to appear around the curve and pull into her usual parking spot in front of her apartment. By this point, I had already taken out the trash, lent an eye to the mouthwatering fragrance emitting from the crockpot, made the bed, swept the kitchen, and generally tidied up. The last thing left was walking the dog. I wanted everything to be perfect when she arrived, for this was finally the blessed day on which her children came home forever.

Hilary loved being in a family before the separation and divorce, in fact, I truly believe it was her reason for living. She seemed to miss every facet of what the bond stood for and what it provided her heart and soul with. She doesn't know this but I prayed daily for the moment when her kids could move back so that she could hold them whenever she wanted or needed to. See, I could tell that Hilary was missing something inside, and although she was almost always a positive and upbeat individual, behind it there was a secret longing. She wanted to feel like a mother again. Her children are the entire world to her, so of course, they are also very important to me.

The dog stopped dead in her tracks, lifting both ears to the sound of a car pulling up behind us. She turned around, ran, and dragged me towards the blue Saturn that I had been waiting on. As the driver door opened, I could immediately hear little voices screaming in excitement. My heart lifted as Hilary and her daughter, Cori got out of the car. I turned the dog's leash over to Cori and offered my help to her mother in removing her son, Avery from the carseat.

To make a long story short, the evening was filled with dinner, the Disney Channel, bath time, then finally with pictures and popcorn. Most of the time I kept myself out of the way, doing dishes or cleaning up the kitchen, while Hilary was a mother to her children. It was so special to watch the three of them interact and I fully enjoyed being a fly on the wall, watching a family just be. I felt warm every time Hilary scooped up one of her angels, spun them around, and planted kisses on their little faces. She looked happy and it radiated from her like the brightest sunshine.  I felt like I was part of a family again, the mom handling the kids baths while the dad cleaned up dinner and picked up the toys. It's very surreal to feel like that, like a living scene from your favorite movie. It was that moment when I realized that I missed being a part of a family as much as Hilary did. Maybe that's what I exist for, perhaps its what I long for. It sure felt like it as we laughed, wrestled, and snacked our way through Mikey's Clubhouse. It was a wonderfully complete feeling and I'm so lucky to have experienced it. Last night, I saw a family reunited.